(The following piece is meant as a light-hearted satire on the quirks of using video communication software. It is not to be taken seriously.)

An interesting aspect of virtual interaction, also now known as interaction, that doesn’t get talked about enough is that we are constantly seeing our own faces while also seeing other people’s faces. Isn’t that the most distracting thing?

Imagine if, in the days of yore, when you were tete-a-tete-ing with a fellow mate and an invisible entity constantly held a mirror to the side of your face much like the rear-view mirror of a car, but instead of it showing you what’s behind, it showed you the fore, aka your countenance. Wouldn’t it be baffling and disorienting?

I mean here one is talking about the weather and how their favourite football team was done in by the ref (important topics, you know) and you’re trying to focus on the interaction and the other person’s face and body language but instead, your own visage appears in front of you, thoroughly unbidden.

This is what it feels like when on a Zoom call.

Now let’s get one thing straight of the bat: it’s not that one finds their face displeasing due to which its constant appearance is annoying. It’s quite the opposite. The problem that occurs is that one’s inner narcissus pops into the fray and conversation takes a backseat. Let’s take a brief example for ol’ clarity’s sake:

Zooman 1: “Ah yes, so as we’d decided in our previous meeting, the company we should be targeting to sell our product is (insert random company name) since it encompasses the perfect cocktail of reliability and success. Does anyone have any additional research they’d like to share?”

Zooman 2: “Yes, an interesting fact about Company X is that some of its success has ironically been built on its detractors. This is only a small percent of people and I’m not sure if—”

Zooman 3 (interrupts): “—while that is true, they are still a right target for us. How many companies do you know who’ve never had their share of faux pas? Besides…”

At this point Zooman 1 has suddenly, in the midst of this highly engaging discussion, noticed that he has a FACE, which is visible on screen! The other animatedly debating faces have suddenly vanished and their voices have been muted (figuratively).

An inner monologue has appeared to replace the chatting visages and goes (roughly) like this:

“Hmm, I should try out a new hairstyle, my coiffure has been the same since forever, aka the start of this ungodly pandemic. Maybe even change my spectacle frames, I think blue would suit me. Oh wait, that reminds me, it’s been a long while since I checked my eyesight, probably should go to the ophthalmologist soon. Also, I should REALLY stop eating chips all the time, my zit is pretty visible, and…wait is someone calling my name?”

And just like that he has realized that Zooman 2 (and now 3) have been calling out his name for the past ten seconds and that he’s missed out on a whole minute of conversation!

Zooman 2: “Looks like his screen is frozen.”

Zooman 3: “Yeah, you’re right, Zoom really — wait, but you can see him…blinking!”

*awkward pause*

Seizing on this sudden and silent confusion, Zooman 1 jumps right in and continues the conversation as though nothing ever happened. As though they are the crazy ones.

Zooman 1: “Anyway, I love the points you’ve made, certainly corroborates with my own analysis, let’s now quickly prepare a timeline of how we’ll go ahead with our pitch? I have another call in 15 minutes. Wow, they aren’t paying us enough for this, eh?”

*Hearty laughter* Normalcy resumes.

This call ends and the next one begins.

When on Zoom, do as the Zoomans do.

(The irony is that constantly seeing your own face when interacting with someone is weird, but it’s much stranger not seeing your face, which comes with its own set of problems: is the camera angle right, is there too much or too little light and so on. Oh well.)